On 2014: Reflections and Realizations

or, Holy Shit that was just a Year!?!?

Right now I’m in my hotel room at Missouri Thespian Conference [it’s been amazing so far], and I FINALLY have a chance to sit down and reflect over this past year.  And WOW. It’s been amazing. And terrifying and beautiful and powerful and dark and dangerous and gripping and uplifting and disappointing and everything in between.

In 2014 I had my first college tour (5 different colleges over the course of the spring semester). Launched a podcast. Failed to keep up with it. Went camping for the first time in YEARS (the real kind). Went on an actual vacation, like a real travel-wise vacation that had nothing to do with shows, or performing, or even visiting family, just leaving NYC as a real vacation, and I was mostly panicked, most of the time because I didn’t know what to do. I went on dates with no less that 4 different women that have all since moved to a different state or country (or are just about to). (One of which I’m still not over). Launched the podcast again. Again failed to keep up with it. Watched a dear friend move to the other side of the earth. [what’s with everyone moving away]. Hosted an amazing roast/going away party for him. Battled a fairly serious bout of depression. Didn’t tell anyone and just withdrew. Learned I still hide my insecurities in my busy-ness, I’m just a lot better at it now that I was. Did something I’m unbelievably ashamed of and will never write it here, and the person it affects the most doesn’t even know. And I’ll never tell. Because I’m too cowardly. Performed as the opening night, Late-Night entertainment for the International Thespian Festival. Had someone write a research paper about me. Helped a blind man cross the street. Finished a kickstarter for a new webseries and raised $4,000 with the help of 71 different people, many of which I don’t even know. Got inspired by a woman that I knew for only a week before she moved to a different state. [no seriously what’s with everyone moving]. Was so inspired but I didn’t do anything about it. Celebrated New Years Eve with some very close friends and some brand new friends. Realized it was the first time in most of my adult life that I wasn’t working on NYE. Realized I use work as an excuse to not do stuff, but then instead of work I stress out, get anxious, get depressed, because I have no time for real connections with people, and then never accomplish the work I “needed to do.” Realized I’m REALLY good at doing everything BUT the thing I really want to be doing, the real, soul-filling things I REALLY want to be doing. Realized I need to take time to breathe. Realized we all need to take time to breathe. And most of all I’m again reminded this is a beautiful, powerful, terrifying, painful, delicate, and loving life. And it’s flying by. But also there’s plenty of time. Look at all this crazy stuff that happened, all in a single year. So instead of doing what I usually do, which consists of doing the things I think I have to do so that at some point I can to the things I think I want to do- instead I’m going to sit. And breathe. And take a moment to uncover the things I really want to do. The live-giving, soul-fulfilling, things that make my heart smile. And I hope you do too.

This point last year I listed a bunch of things for everyone to look out for in the coming year.

Almost none of them happened.

Tonight. One week in to the new year I’ll simply say this.

I’m smiling. Because I’m so excited about 2015.

And I can’t wait to share it with you.

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